Social Isolation versus Loneliness: Not the Same
In the grip of the pandemic, we constantly hear of “social isolation.” Perhaps it is the worst of this global plague that affects every single one of us, no matter if we have remained healthy, no matter if our loved ones and those close to us have avoided Covid infection. The harsh reality of isolation is made extreme before our eyes as we witness people physically separated from their kin who are hospitalized, very often dying without embracing and intimate farewells.
Right now, every day, isolation is affecting young to old. Interaction with others is so basic to our being human. A few flourish with inner resources that structure this sheltered period forced by the pandemic — reading, exercising, pursuing home crafts, especially entertainment escape or remote learning on television and social media. Zoom and FaceTime meetings are bringing many in closer contact than they would be ordinarily. But one hears a continuous refrain: “It’s not the same.”
Millions of us can feel lonely as a result. Loneliness, however, is a very different state of being than isolation. Currently, the latter has been imposed on us by the pandemic. It is an external source of distress and deprivation. Loneliness, on the other hand, resides within an individual. It’s an internal situation about which we can have control.
There are numerous reasons why loneliness is so common. A widow or widower cannot overcome the inertia to seek activity with others, companionship, a replacement if only partial for a loved one lost. Someone else could have been unlucky in love and thrown in the towel, making do but still dwelling under a gray cloud. Millions of Americans are still placed, through no fault of their own, into the rigid caste system which stealthily or not separates “others”…minorities by ethnic background, skin color, sexual orientation, affluence, power, especially gender, still. We can justifiably feel lonely in a group of people in the dominant caste, as well as within our common tribe. Isabel Wilkerson in her recent, brilliant book, Caste, documents the insidious, unseen stratification of this rock-solid and persistent phenomenon.
We all know people who are perfectly content on their own. By that we mean choosing to be single, unattached, unmarried, childless. However, almost all such individuals still need face-to-face jobs, social life, periodic connection with family and friends even afar. Without any communication whatsoever, loneliness has got to take its toll. Nary a one of those preferring life as solo is living like a monk in a Himalayan retreat! People need people, as only Barbra Streisand could belt it out.
We take advantage of therapists in our culture to explore the manifold reasons underlying our disconnect. We can be married, partnered, pressed together with neighbors, families, friends, colleagues, and remain utterly alone in our depths. A therapist can help unearth buried, likely earlier facts from our background which can lift the lid of an impasse like loneliness.
Millions employ antidepressants, taking advantage of modern medicine and altering spirits for the good. For multiple millions more, a pet is all they need in their lives. But this, too, generally brings people together: walking dogs is a universal prompt for conversation as any dog owner will tell you. Yoga…choirs…sports…faith and interest groups…the remedies are endless if one decides to tackle aloneness assuming this condition is one of discomfort, dissatisfaction. It may be so sealed over by a lifetime of habit that it would take a planned or spontaneous jolt from outside oneself as a catalyst to action.
People announce they are in “a pod,” meaning some close folks not in their immediate household. But how many people are safe? Covid experts warn that self-ascribed pods still very much assume risks. “But they don’t go anywhere else…they’re sheltered like us,” we continue to hear the rationale. We are addressing the problem of tolerated isolation.
If you are partnered or living with others, you have a leg-up on absolute loneliness. Those in a couple or family or group at least have somebody to share this dilemma…even if kids or someone otherwise is driving them nuts. In this case, there is a solid launchpad to save oneself with a new activity or more of one already established.
A person on his or her own, normally content, is the one most needing to jump-start something to arrest isolation from sliding into loneliness. One can feel helpless, a victim, the choice to be living alone abruptly challenged and rocking that foundation of assumed contentment.
In all these scenarios, social isolation is the cause, not necessarily an inherent predisposition to loneliness. And the end of that cause is in sight.
This is just a brief rundown if you or another says “I’m so lonely” during this trial for our wits to stay sane and safe and intact during the pandemic. It’s been a long time, and we’re told by experts that this whole affair will last for the rest of 2021 for sure, even with vaccinations…masks, distancing, avoiding large gatherings. Many epidemiologists claim that even air travel, concerts, restaurants, movie theaters and the like won’t — or shouldn’t — return to pre-Covid normalcy until 2022, hopefully if all goes well.
Ideally, we will survive social isolation and achieve a new understanding of our individual solid core. Remote schooling and livelihoods won’t help the airlines, restaurants and entertainment industries. But the vast majority of Americans will emerge with unsuspected strengths and skills. Above all, we will appreciate more than ever our close circle of comrades…date again, party again, look each other in the eye and acknowledge something that does not need to be said.
The talk we share is only on the surface. It is our simple but profound, mutually-reaffirming connection with others that truly makes life worth living.
